


The Abridged Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

by insertnamehere13



Category: The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
Genre: Abridged, Action/Adventure, Comedy, Gen, Humor, Majora's Mask, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2019-05-20 01:12:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14884800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insertnamehere13/pseuds/insertnamehere13
Summary: Have you ever heard the epic tale of Termina's savior? His trials, his tribulations, the good, the bad, the ugly? The grandiose journey, the vast temples, the fierce battles? Well, throw it all out the window, baby. It's abridged time.





	1. A New World

**Author's Note:**

> This is a current-day "remastering" of a fanfic which I've written from 2010 to 2016; the earlier work, having taken 6 years (and loads of hiatuses) to be written, was riddled with inconsistencies in writing style and content, due to me starting it as an immature teenager and carrying it all the way to adulthood. What I did was go back and give the chapters I had written a facelift, but without sacrificing them too much, and then pick up from where I left off. I'll be re-posting them gradually (except for this first time, where I'll be posting two chapters so that the damn titles show up), but writing new chapters in the meantime.
> 
> As with many abridged works, I'll try to stick to lore and more serious events of the game as best as I can, but this is primarily a comedic retelling of the events, and in a relatively simplistic manner, which means there will be occasional flanderization of minor characters and so on.
> 
> Two major things before we continue: first, the rating. I read the FAQ and whatnot several times, and I opted to go with No Rating, but I'll warn everybody that this fic has some swearing here and there, mostly as part of casual dialogue. Should I be notified to change the rating in light of that, I will do it, no questions asked. Second, my english is pretty darn good, but I'm just some Brazilian dude who doesn't get to practice the language as much as I'd like to. So, feel free to drop me a line if me and my beta reader miss anything related to grammar, spelling, punctuation, or even lore and pop references I fuck up.
> 
> Thank you very much, and I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing these things. Criticism is always appreciated. And yes, the first chapter is a bit short - the others won't be. Peace!

 

 

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own The Legend of Zelda. I mean, I own the game, I have 'em all, but the series, I mean.

 

 

Back in the day, darkness loomed over the holy kingdom of Hyrule.

It was an era in which trees got sick and died, mountains produced red flame instead of your regular everyday carbon monoxide, arrows caught on fire when shot towards the sun and mask salesmen acted a lot less suspiciously.

Amidst the darkness that engulfed that peaceful land, a hero was lying in wait. For seven years.

It was a man who did not speak; instead, he justified his will with actions.

It was a man who did not falter; instead, he never gave in to fear and stood strong against the most intimidating foes.

It was a man who... did not grasp the concept of "privacy", seeing as he was always breaking into people's houses randomly and breaking their boxes and bottles in search of money.

Anyway, that man, along with the legendary Master Sword, brought justice upon those who dared to bring harm upon others; and it was that same mythical blade that he left behind, as well as fame and fortune, when the deed was done. He just walked away, without a word, after saving millions of lives.

Where could that man be? What could he be up to right now?

 

**Day X, Time Y, Lost Woods**

 

"Alright, that's it. I'm done!"

A voice came out of the young boy's mouth, as he looked around him, seeing the trees of the deep forest he shut himself into.

"First some dumb, ominous voice in my head says, ' _leave thy blade upon the sacred sanctuary_ ' and forces me to lose my best weapon... then my fairy suddenly leaves, saying she'll get engaged to a 'Russian oil tycoon'... the hell is a Russian anyway?!"

The boy's interesting question echoed far and wide into the woods, but none would dare answer that. I have a fourth wall to maintain here, you know. It's weak enough as is.

"Then," he continued, "I'm told that I should continue to pretend I'm mute, because my voice is apparently as pleasant as a Goron rolling down Jabu-Jabu's belly… well, I say SCREW YOU ALL!"

Yeah, there he is. The hero who saved Hyrule. Link. Bitching like an old man would to his television during a game. He was riding his trusted steed Epona in search of his fairy Navi, who, as said so gently by our brave and trusty hero, had ditched him to better horizons.

"Huh, Lost Woods sure has changed, hasn't it, Epona?" _Oh great, I'm talking to my horse. Now I'm sure I need some more of that blue potion..._ "I remember it used to be one hell of a fucking maze, and now it's just… woods... yeah, some lost woods."

Hearing only horse steps as response, Link continued to look around for his partner.

_Okay, Navi, wherever you are, I'm going to find you, and then I will-- what the?!_

Suddenly, he was interrupted by two fairies, one yellow, one purple, swinging around Epona, which jerked back in response and threw Link off its back. Link looked at them, shocked, and raised his voice at one of the fairies.

"OK, Navi, tell me why you decided to turn all purple and... who's the yellow fairy with you? Is that the Russian you were talking about? Because I-- _OW_!"

Suddenly, a slap from behind stopped his train of thought and threw it off-track - meaning, Link got knocked out by someone. When he woke up, he saw not only the fairies, but also a young boy, much like himself, yet completely different; he was dressed with straw clothing and wearing a straw hat, gear typical of the Skull Kids, which were children who got lost for too many days inside the woods. But more importantly, the boy also wore a veeeery creepy mask, with a few spikes protruding from it, and big, yellow, wide eyes surrounded by all sorts of colorful tribal designs.

"Oh hell no," Link said to the Skull Kid, "I know how this goes, you think I'm just some lost boy in the woods, you wanna make a quick buck, so you assault me, my horse is small, so you see an opening--" _MAN, I think that fairy hit me a little too hard…_

The strange kid yelped at Link's voice and got scared, turning around slowly. Hiding something with one hand behind his back, he watched as Link crept towards him.

"Well, I'm just going to say it once... give my fucking money back!" _Huh, where's my Ocarina? Oh well, I probably dropped that thing back at the castle… again. I'll just..._

No answer. Link threw himself at the kid, who in turn dodged and jumped onto his horse, zooming away, the two fairies following him through the dense woods.

"…… Great." Link took a few seconds to process what had just happened. "I lost my sword, my friend, my money and my horse. Woo. And now I'm talking to myself, not even to the horse."

A few more seconds.

"… YOU GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT YOU LITTLE--!"

Running as fast as he could, Link found a path of rising logs and a door, which he passed through quickly. After some more running, he accidentally fell on a deep, gaping hole which seemed to never end, until he hit a flower surrounded by a shallow pond - and, somehow, survived the fall - only to find the kid again, ocarina in hand.

 

**Day X, Time Y, Deep Hole In Lost Woods**

 

"That horse of your is an ass!" The kid said, floating in midair, throwing the Ocarina up and down. "It doesn't listen to a word I say and--"

"Er," Link interrupted, "That's because it only listens to me, because we have a kind of blood pact and... you know what, forget it. You were saying...?"

"I did you a favor and got rid of it."

"YOU DID WHAT?!" _I'm not taking the subway again!_

"And now, what I should do to you... ah, I know!"

Before he could say a thing, Link found himself engulfed in dark magic, his vision blurriying and then coming back on an all-black landscape. Suddenly, some Mad Scrubs charged at him and everything seemed to fade, the air was getting heavy, there were outdated 9GAG meme images everywhere...

" **YEEEEEAAAARRRGGGHHHH!** " Link screamed, only to see something even more shocking - which is hard - in his reflection on the water before him…


	2. How To Get Away With Fairies

 

 

 

**Disclaimer** : I own it. I OWN IT. IT'S MINE. Ehhh okay not really.

 

 

**Day X, Time Y, Deep Hole In Lost Woods**

 

It took several minutes for Link to realize what had happened to him. After a good two or three minutes of shock, he looked carefully and realized that he had just been...

Transformed into a Deku.

Yes, the Deku, creatures who used to inhabit Kokiri Forest and its outskirts. Small critters with bodies made of wood, wearing all kinds of flora on their heads and sporting a long nose-mouth with one big hole for shooting Deku Nuts. Link still had his boots, blonde hair and signature green clothing, but he looked VERY different.

_I am a Deku. Yes. A Deku. How awesome, now I can spend the rest of my life hiding in plants, throwing seeds at random people just for fun, giving away secret codes or else... right…_

 "YEEEEAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" He screamed in horror.

"Oh, you look mahvelous, dahling!" said the wizard kid, with a sarcastic tone. "If you don't like it, though, then come closer... IF YOU CAN!"

"Hey!" Link could only say - yes, it seems even transforming into a Deku couldn't stop Link's will to talk again - before the kid floated behind a now closed stone gate.

_Dammit, he's gone! And I'm here, all alone, turned into a Deku--what the? Who's there?_

"HEY! I'M TALKING TO YOU, WOODY!" a voice suddenly called Link from behind, "OPEN UP THAT FUCKING DOOR SO WE CAN PROCEED!"

_Gah! The Russian is talking to me! Quick, Link, act natural!_ "Er... Vodka!"

"Excuse me?!"

"Perestroika! Moscow! KGB! Stereotypeski!"

"Are you dumb, scrub? Do you think I'm Russian or something?"

"Uh... You aren't?"

"OF COURSE I'M NOT! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE RUSSIA IS?"

"What is a Russia anyway? All I hear are tales--"

"Look, let's do the normal thing already and introduce ourselves. I'm Tatl," the fairy said, annoyed, "And I'm a fairy from Lost goddamn Woods. Is it so hard for you to see?! Now let's move, before the Skull Kid and Tael leave me behind again, like that day in the city fair…"

_"Tael"? What? Not "Navi"?_ "Okay, so how do I open it?"

"Pressing the A button, obviously!"

"A... Button?" Link voiced, confused. "Wazzat?"

"Er-- damn, I mean... Look, just open it like you did before!"

"Eh, okay…" _Man, Russia is so weird._

With a noise, the stone gate opened, revealing a wooden path which Link and Tatl followed without hesitation. They were stopped at the end, however, by a bunch of platforms leading to the way forward. At the floor, in front of Link, there was a flower.

"So, you wanna move? Then blast already!" Tatl said, pointing to the flower.

"Blast?"

"Yeah, Dekus do it all the time! You burrow underground here, wait, spit some pollen out and WHIZZAM! With two flowers and air resistance, you can fly for a short period of time!"

"Uh, yeah," _This fairy is crazy. Reeeeeal crazy._ "So, burrow under-- OOF! POLLEN! YUK! WARGH!" _Spit! Spit! Whew... hey, I'm stuck. Damn, how do I get out... ah, I know! These vines are sticking out, maybe if I just..._

Link's train of thought was interrupted abruptly by him being tossed into the air, just like Tatl said, holding two flowers, each on one hand.

"See, I told ya!"

"HOW DO YOU MAKE THIS THING STOOOOOOOOOOOOP?!"

 

After floating to the other side, the duo faced many more obstacles before reaching a Deku-like small tree and a gate. The tree was "Deku-like" because it had a face carved into it, a Deku one, and it looked anything but pleased.

"Look, this tree looks sort of like you... so full of pain, suffering… lost, without friends or familiar places to rely on…"

_Uh… she's spot on, act--_

"… And with a dumb face!"

_At least I'm not yellow._ "So, we're going in?"

"Yeah," Tatl said, but paused a bit and said, "Um, look, I... I'm sorry."

"For?"

"For helping steal your horse and stuff. We were supposed to be just messing with you a bit, but it seems like Skull Kid has taken it a bit too far."

"Understatement of the year."

"Well, ever since he got that mask, he's…"

"He's...?"

"Never mind, let's carry on."

_"Let's carry on", she says..._

After some walking, they reached a corridor that seemed to twist around, making one walk from the floor to the ceiling and around, while moving forward. Link couldn't help but feel he was moving into another dimension, and it really felt like it too, since you could hear the very air around you distort and make noises. After coming through a small hole, a steel door closed behind him and he found himself inside what looked like a clock tower. Not much was said between our two heroes, still very much estranged and with guilt and awkwardness smearing the very air between them.

After climbing some steps and walking towards the door to the outside, Link was interrupted by a voice…

 

**"… You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?"**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter two. Originally, chapters 1 and 2 were one big chapter, but I decided to split it - let me know what you think!


	3. Of Creeps and Masks

 

 

 **Disclaimer:** They own, I won.

 

 

**Day X, Time Y, ???**

 

 

Link was scared. Who could it be, talking behind him in a real quiet voice, in a strange place he'd never been to, which was all dark and smelly...

He slowly turned around as the voice said, "You seem to be troubled. May I he--"

_POW!_

Before the stranger could finish his question, he found himself with a huge bruise on his cheek, made by a very hard and fast Deku Nut projectile. Link started to run away, but he was, again, stopped by the voice.

"OW! WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP HERE! DAMN!"

"I know your type... pick up a lost boy that seems distraught, ask him what's wrong, play nice... And the next moment the poor boy's wrapped to a pole butt-naked and--"

"STOP!" Tatl interrupted, "This isn't funny! People suffer from this! And now this mental image will be with me forever now, dumbass!"

"But it's true! My uncle said it once happened to him and--"

"HEY!" The man cut in, thankfully, "Can you listen to me?! I'm not any of these atrocities you two think I am! I'm just a mask salesman!"

"Mask… salesman?" Both Link and Tatl voiced.

"Yes. And I was wondering, since you have a sword, a shield, and a wise partner... I was going to ask a favor of you."

"A… sword… but I'm a Deku right now, dude. You know me from before or something?" Link said. _How the hell did he know I was a human before?! This guy is just digging his own grave here..._

"I know you from Hyrule. Happy Mask Shop, remember?"

"Oh. OH. You're… oh. Now I remember." _Wait, I gave money to this guy before?!_

"So, could you hear my plea?" The salesman asked, puppy dog eyes and all that.

"Sure... why the heck not." Tatl replied, seeming much more relaxed.

"So. I have this mask, called Majora's Mask... well, had. Some dumbfuck made of wood with a skull face stole it."

"Oh, heh heh heh, who could THAT be, huh?!" Tatl said, seeming distraught. It was pretty obvious who it was.

"This mask was, long before, a prized possession of a certain tribe. They'd use it for rituals and such, and this mask has... well, a strange power."

"Strange... power?" Link voiced, wondering internally. _I bet it's going to be one heck of a made-up, mumbo-jumbo story..._

"Whoever put it on would instantly gain tremendous physical strength and magical might, and would be able to control pretty much all matter in this world. Anyway, this wasn't good, because there's one more trick to the mask: The user goes crazy."

"Crazy?" Link echoed again, like the parrot he is.

"Yes. Mad. Nuts. Batshit. And this was a huge source of trouble, as you might imagine. The leader banished the mask…"

_How the hell do you "banish" a mask?!_

"... And peace was everlasting once more. I found the mask, unaware of what it did, and was planning on selling it at the shop, y'know, feed the kids and all that."

_You mean, you were going to sell your own brand of Apocalypse. Real smart, you._

"But that kid stole it and put it on right after. I chased after him, but alas, he was too quick. Now, the bastard is going to make the fucking moon fall from the sky!"

"Yeah, go on........ waitWAITWaAiItTt!!!!! T-THE _**MOON**_?!"

"Yes! The moon! That's why I need that fucking mask back, and I need it in three days, before the moon falls, so I can leave this blasted place and break that mask apart!"

"My _**GOD**_ HE IS GOING TO DROP THE _**GODDAMN MOON**_ " Link was pale as a sheet now, and Tatl had to cut in and give them some space.

 

A few minutes later…

 

"Uh... so... where do I fit in all this?" Link asked the salesman.

"You're going to find it for me!"

"Ah, yes. Me, of course." _It's not like I'm made of wood and leaves, two-feet-tall and WITHOUT ANY SORT OF WEAPON OTHER THAN SOME FUCKING NUTS!_

"So... can you do it?"

"No."

"Did I mention I can turn you back to your human form?"

"Eh, I kinda like being small."

"... 50 Rupees."

"DEAL!" _This always works! Damn, I'm good._

"So, good luck! He's not far from here, I can tell. It's gonna be easy to catch him!" The salesman said, very happy now - this man switched moods in seconds!

"Um... where are we, exactly?"

"This here's a 'parallel dimension', pretty much. You're on Termina Land, and this is the Clock Town, center of the land and national pro--"

"Right." _About the last thing I need to hear today is tourist noise_.

"Believe in your strenghts... believe...!"

"Shut up," Tatl said, after moments of quietness, "you're creepy."

After the nice dialogue, the two of them went through the door and to the town.

 

**Day 1, Morning, Clock Town - South**

 

"So, what now?" Tatl asked.

"Well, we should search for the most likely spots first, like... like…" Link said, turning speechless after being forced to think.

The town wasn't that big. It was divided in five areas: North, South, East, West, and, last but not least, the one, the only, the… Laundry Pool. The south part was more of a hub, which hosted the famous Clock Tower, a large tower that shows the time and had a locked gate. Aside from that, there was but a tower undergoing construction by some workers, the entrance to the other areas and an exit to the world outside.

So many places.

"I think we should try and ask the loc--" Link said, moving towards a strange, yellow-colored plant. He was interrupted by a voice.

"STOP! STOP! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooop!"

"WAH! What the…" Link screamed, scared. Looking to the sky, he saw a Deku carrying two huge bags flying in his direction. He approached Link, burrowed to the ground and then got halfway out.

"Youse know," the Deku started, "Dis here's my piece 'a land. Youse can't go snoopin' in here like dat unless youse have DA LAND DEED!" He finished, shoving the land deed to the flower into Link's face.

"Ah! Ah! Get that thing outta my face! I'm sorry!"

"But, hey, I'm feelin' nice today. I may be able ta give my DA LAND DEED to youse... in exchange for somethin'."

"Something...?" Tatl said.

_I don't like the way this is going... for the last 24 hours, all I've been hearing is threats and innuendos..._

"Yea. Can be anything... SHINY. I like dose sparklin' pearly thingies, ya know. But it could be gold, too. Anything... SHINY."

"Ah... sure, I'll come back if I find anything…"

"Ya do dat, man. See ya 'round."

"…" Tatl stared, but then proceeded to ignore the Deku in order to keep the plan up.

"So, we better hurry. We have 3 days to get this shit ready."

"Yeah," Link agreed, "But we don't know where to look…"

"Why not try wandering around?"

"Yeah, why not…" _Why not call you an idiot for this idea too?_

"Okay, let's move north."

"North? Why?"

"I heard it from Skull Kid, so I'm not sure, but the Great Fairy lives in a chamber at the north part."

_How does he know… nevermind_ , "Um... You could've said it before I ran into that nutcase."

"Yeah, I suppose…" Tatl said while giggling.

_Fucking Russi... ack! Let's just move north..._

 

**Day 1, Afternoon, Clock Town - North**

 

After some walking, the duo reached the north section of Clock Town. The place wasn't that interesting; about the only thing that caught Link's eye was a huge balloon with a Majora's Mask drawing. There was also a boy trying (and failing) to pop it with a blowpipe. Not so further away, there was a cave, which Tatl recognized instantly as the Great Fairy's.

"Let's go, dumbfuck! Gotta get that mask back!"

"Wait." Link said, staring forward.

"What?"

"Those bushes. They bother me…"

And they were indeed bothering. Link saw a bunch of bushes forming a perfect circle and one in the center. What could this mean?

Maybe these can lead to something... "HAAAAAAARRRGH!" Link screamed, cutting the grass away with Deku spin attacks.

"Look! It's... moving!" Tatl said, taken aback. The grass started to whirl and dance around, but then quickly disappeared.

"…" The two of them stared, until Link broke the 20-minute silence. "Okay, that was just…"

"... A big waste of time, yes" Tatl interrupted, "let's just go."

_When did she turn into the boss all of a sudden? Those soviets are so self-c_... _okay, this is getting boring._

 

"Excuse me," Link said to the blowpipe kid, "But can I ask y--"

"DON'T BOTHER JIMMY!" The kid answered sharply, "JIMMY IS BUSY BLOWING BALLOONS!"

_Well excuuuuuuuuse me, princess._ "Ah, sorry to interrupt your... task, but I--"

"JIMMY. IS. BUSY! GO AWAY! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"LOOK!" Tatl yelled, "We just want to know w--"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

_The urge to force that pipe down this brat's throat is just so..._

"Tatl," Link said, "let's just go to the cave."

"Okay…"

 

**Day 1, Afternoon, Great Fairy's Shrine**

 

After entering the cave, the pair soon found a large and reasonably shallow body of water surrounded by pillars. Link seemed at peace upon entering, with a sensation of sheer security. Tatl, on the other hand...

"GREAT FAIRY! NO!"

Tatl screamed, upon seeing a bunch of small fairies floating around the fountain.

"I don't see any Great Fairy... all I see is a bunch of fairies."

"This can't... No... I don't... I…"

_Can you at least finish a goddamn sentence?!_

"Hey, let's see here… yo, um, fairy!" Link said to one of the fairies, "'Sup with that, huh?"

The fairies began to talk at the same time, bringing a plea.

"Please, hear us out... that Skull Kid broke me in pieces and took one of us away…"

"He broke you in pieces?" _Usually that expression is not to be taken literally..._

"Yes, and I've no idea of where this piece is... but it's in Clock Town... please! Help me!"

"Why would I?" Link said, narrowing his eyes.

"I can give you magic in return!"

"I'm no wizard."

"But you can shoot things from your nose, here, have some magic!"

"Eh, thanks, but I kinda already shoot Deku Nuts."

"... 100 Rupees."

"Sounds nice. Let's go, Tatl!" _Heh. Always works..._

 

**Day 1, Afternoon, Clock Town - North**

 

The day was getting busier and busier for Link and Tatl. They had four tasks arranged. One was to find the remaining "piece" of the shattered Great Fairy. Then, they had to find something shiny to get a Deku Flower's land deed. After that, they had to target Skull Kid and retreive the Majora's Mask. Last, but not least... Tatl was going to teach a lesson to one spoiled brat.

"This is it," the fairy said, looking at Link. "Blast away."

"Uh... All right." _I don't remember agreeing completely with this._

With his new bubble-shooting ability (acquired prematurely by a little... "persuasion"), Link felt like a new Deku. After testing it a thousand times and hitting everyone with it, he inspired Tatl to come up with a plan to make young Jimmy talk. He crouched behind a bush, turned his head and...

_POW!_

As expected, the bubble flew away and hit the balloon, bursting it. Jimmy turned, his eyes darting the area, searching for the offender.

"WHO DID THIS TO JIMMY'S BALLOON?! WHO?! COME HERE AND FACE JIMMY! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

_My life to stop this bawling..._

"Hey there, Little Mister Waterworks," Tatl said, approaching the boy. "Feel like talking now?"

"JIMMY IS MAD! JIMMY KILLS RUSSIAN!"

_What the... must be the weather. Yeah, it has to be._

"If you give us just a tiny bit of info, I'll let you go," Tatl bargained.

"JIMMY ONLY TALKS TO YOU IF YOU BEAT THE GAME!"

"Game? Look, I've had enough of--"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Jimmy cried, now a bit forcedly, but still.

"Look! Please! Shut up!" Link said, tired of sitting back and watching.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

_Fuck. How can I make this kid stop... Hey! "_ I've got it! _"_

"What?" Tatl responded, still looking at the kid.

"I'll play," Link said to Jimmy.

"You will WHAT?!"

"I'll play his game!" _But if it's poker, I'm quitting._

"Waaaaaa... Huh?" Jimmy stopped crying and then asked again. "You'll play?"

"Yup. What will it be, kiddo?"

"DON'T CALL ME KIDDO!"

"OKAY, Mighty Master Of The Fucking Wet Eyes!"

"Huh? Um... let's play... I know! Bombers!"

"Bombers?!" _Is this kid with ISIS?_

Suddenly, four boys dressed exactly as Jimmy (despite the fact that he wore red and they blue) rushed up to the scene. They stood on a row, turning around to show the back of their shirts. They were numbered 1 to 5, 1 being Jimmy, of course. They then gathered together and started to whisper something.

 

After a good 15 minutes of whispers, Jimmy broke the silence.

"Scrub!"

"Huh-- yeah?" Link said, unaware of what the kid had said.

"Let's play hide-and-seek!"

"Well, that's good. So, I get to count?"

"Yeah. You gotta find us 'till night, or you're going to lose! Good luck, loser! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaha......." Jimmy said, while running towards the slider.

"Piece of cake," Link thought as he finished counting to 20 and ran towards Jimmy.

The kid ran around and around pretty fast, giving Link a hard time, but eventually Jimmy got backed into a corner and was forced to sit.

"Awww! Now you gotta find the other four kids."

"Man!" Tatl yelled, obviously infuriated.

"Yeah?" Link answered while walking around.

"Why do we gotta play this stupid brat's game, anyway? You're a goddamn Hero Of Time, for crying out loud! Can't you just make him spill the beans? Use your goddamn sword for something!"

_Sword? Hero of Time? I'm a fucking Deku... she's scary! And all this rambling... must be PMS. Yeah, it has to be... but do fairies PMS? I think that's taking the whole gender thing a bit too f--_

Link's intriguing train of thought was interrupted by the noise of rustling grass near him. He drew closer, and out came one of Jimmy's friends, running away as fast as light. Well, not so much, because Link spun around and caught up with him.

"Awww! Three left!"

"Well, that has to be it for this area. Let's search elsewhere!" Tatl said, moving towards a gate. However, someone stopped her... A guard. Wearing a shiny silver armor that screamed "Bring it!" and a long spear, he moved sideways like a crab, blocking Link's way.

"Hey, hey! What's the big deal?" Link asked.

"Sorry, no going outside. It's dangerous."

"How so?"

"There are creatures."

"I'm a creature."

"There are molesters."

"I'm getting expert in avoiding them."

"There are winged thieves."

"I can burrow underground."

"…" The guard paused for a moment, but didn't move.

_And now, the money. Come on, be a nice guard and gi--_

"What?" The guard said, annoyed by Link's smirk, "I'm not moving an inch."

_Damn! How did he...?!_

"Move it. Now."

"Yes, sir…" Link said, defeated, turning towards the gate to East Clock Town.

 

**Day 1, Afternoon, Clock Town - East**

 

Link and Tatl arrived at East Clock Town, searching frantically for any sign of a boy. They stopped in front of an inn, and decided it was time for a plan.

"Okay," Link started, "What to do?"

"Dunno," Tatl answered uncaringly, staring at the inn's logo. It read "Stock Pot Inn".

"What are you staring at?"

"Stock Pot Inn... Hmmmm... Does that mean they stock pot in here?"

_That's... a good question... hey!_

Link backed up a bit after hearing the sound of flapping wings. He looked at the inn's veranda, and there was a boy, THE boy, holding a chicken over his head and looking to the ground, ready to jump. Link, unnoticed by the boy, ran back to Tatl.

"Hey! I've got good news!"

"Baby, don't worry, about a thing…" Tatl was singing. Link shot a bubble at her to get her attention.

"...Is gonna be alrigh-- HEY! What's the big idea?!"

"I found him."

"The kid?"

"Yeah, but he's on top of us right now, holding a Cuckoo."

"Hmmm... gotta corner him, but how?"

"I'll climb up there, and you'll wait down here. If he jumps, I want you to startle him, by any means."

"Gotcha".

Link opened the Stock Pot Inn's front door and went inside. Tatl waited outside, looking to see if a boy would fly past her. She could've sworn she heard someone say "Awww!", so she readied herself. A few minutes later, a Cuckoo slowly glided through the sky, carrying a boy...

"Where are you, Link?"

 

...

 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH--"

 

Link was holding the chicken tight, and trying to stay put.

_How do I make it land?! Too slow, too slow! I'm afraid of heights, dammit! Come ooooon, you little feathered motherfucker!_

 

A good half-minute later, Link got to the ground, white as a sheet and breathing heavily. Tatl came to him, feigning concern but laughing profusely on the inside.

"You OK?" The fairy asked.

"Yeah," Link answered, trembling, "I've just been through the worst flight of my life since the Deku Flower thing, but I'm OK... I caught the boy."

"So, two more, huh?"

"Yup, and we've better hurry, it's already 5 o'clock. We've got an hour."

"OK, let's go! Wait…"

"What?"

"Over there! I see someone…"

And there indeed was someone. Up a ledge, next to the gate that led to another gate to the outside world (yep), there was a kid, watching the place. Link proceeded to run after him, climbing some stairs and then cornering him into a fence.

"Awww! Now there's only one left…"

"And we have a whole hour to find him, buddy." Tatl said in a superior tone.

"Let's move it, Tatl. You can be an arrogant bitch later--"

"WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU SAY?! DON'T YOU DARE RUN!"

_Only way to make her move... but now I'm the one who has to hide!_


	4. Bombers and Badassery

 

 

**Disclaimer** : Cookie. I KNOW, RIGHT?! They're so good

 

 

**Day 1, Afternoon, Clock Town - South**

 

After finding four of the five little annoying brats, it was obvious by Link's expression that he was tired. Being smacked on pretty much all of the vital areas of a Deku body by an angry fairy didn't help much, either. But he had a mission... or more than one.

"I just can't make heads of tails of all this." Link said, his tone monotonous.

"Heads and tails of what?" Tatl responded.

"We're being forced to chase kids, bring shiny objects to deed-propped Deku hobos, find stray fairies... for what? I mean, we're supposed to be searching for a mask that destroys the world and shit, and yet here I am, playing hide-and-seek! We have little time as is…"

"You're just being a bitch."

"After all that I had to say, that's your answer?!"

"Yup."

_It's no use. PMS wins._

 

Wandering around the southern zone of Clock Town, Link eventually spotted a ledge that led to some sort of alley. Intrigued, he ran to the place, only to find a big pool, surrounded by grass and crossed by a wooden bridge, which was actually part of a house situated there on the other side. It had to be... the Laundry Pool. Link was going to search for a boy in there, when...

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!" Tatl yelled, shocked at something.

"HEY! HOW ABOUT I YELL INTO YOUR FUCKING EAR TOO?!"

"It's... It's…"

_Man, is she going to stage all this drama every time she finds something?_

"... Link! It's the broken piece of the Great Fairy! It has to be!"

"Why?" _'Broken piece' is not the way I would have phrased it... I mean, pieces are supposed to be objects... not... fairies._

"It's just like the other fairies we found in the cave!"

"Huh... so?"

"Go catch it, dumbass!"

"But it's floating above the pool!"

"Oh…" Tatl sighed, then proceeded, "You don't know the first thing about being a Deku…"

_And this is a bad thing? I kinda didn't agree to this!_

"If you jump into the pool," Tatl explained in a mentor-like tone, "Your feet will feel some strange vibes coming from the water, and you'll start hopping around it!"

"You mean I get to be Jesus?!"

"Uhhh... yeah, but you have a five-hop limit, I think."

"Aww," Link said before looking at the pool, "It'll be alright, I'll give it a shot!"

 

Leaping into the water, Link started to bounce around, eventually falling into the water after the fifth hop. Tatl rescued him the first time, but after ten failed attempts, she left him to himself. Eventually, Link reached the "piece", who responded quickly:

"Oh, thank goodness! Now bring me to the cave right this instant!"

"Calm down, Ms. Yellow Floating Thing," Tatl said, "We're on it."

_Look who's talking!_

"In any case, Ms. Fairy Piece," Link continued, "I'm kind of running an... errand right now, and would appreciate it if you waited a bit."

"Oh well... I guess it can't be helped…" The fairy said, slightly annoyed. She then proceeded to hide under Link's hat.

"Hey!" Tatl barked, angry, "That's MY hiding spot!"

_How is my hat yours?!_ "Well then," Link cut in, "Shall we find this last annoying brat? We only have 10 minutes before evening!"

"Move it, then!" The stray fairy said from under his hat.

_Great. If one fairy bossing me around wasn't enough..._

 

Moving away from the Laundry Pool, Link decided to give the south area a fair shake. Aside from the same preoccupied carpenters building a tower, a dog attacking Link, the same Deku that wanted "something... SHINY", postboxes and a postman running like crazy and fumbling through said postboxes, they found nothing. So...

"Well, that's nice. We've got a good three minutes to find the kid, according to the clock." Link said, his head hung low in dismay.

"Hey... there's one place left to check." Tatl said, cheering Link right up.

"Where?!"

"The west side."

"What, is Snoop Dogg the last kid?"

"THIS west, dumbfuck!"

"Ah! You mean West Clock Town!"

"Yup. We haven't checked there, you know."

"True. Let's run!" Link shouted while making towards the stairs that led to that area.

 

**Day 1, Right when the sun starts thinking about sleeping, Clock Town - West**

 

As soon as they climbed the first set of stairs, our cute pair of kid-searchers looked around for any sign of a spoiled brat. The west area wasn't that impressive, it was mainly a spiral and elevated staircase-corridor, decorated by a bank and three shops, which led into a smaller, circular open area which mixed buildings like the Post Office and the Lottery with common houses. Running along the stairs, Link and Tatl were looking around and deciding what to do after the kids were all gathered.

"Ten seconds! TEN SECONDS!" Tatl yelled, in a bossy tone.

"I'm on it, woman! Don't fucking rush me!" Link talked back, annoyed at his partner's earlier tone.

"And then we should get that shiny thing!"

"C'mon, we can find that anywhere! Just find him a fucking frying pan or... hey!" Link suddenly stopped. Looking around he found a kid sitting and staring at the entrance of the Swordsman School, which was next to the gate.

"Found you!" Link shouted, startling the kid.

"Waah!" The kid yelped and made to run, but Link dove at him in a ninja-like way, sharp yell included. After catching the little one with only three seconds left, Link couldn't help but grin at this movie-like moment.

"Stop daydreaming!" Tatl snapped, "We gotta go north with the kid!"

"Awww…" The kid muttered, defeated, while the pair went along.

 

**Day 1, Evening, Clock Town - North**

 

The sky had already been tainted purple, with the faint light of the few stars that rose upon the sky casting small shadows on objects around. Meanwhile, our favorite pair stood in front of a 5-boy group, waiting for their quest to move along.

_Ok, now what? Gotta think of that shiny thing, then I should return the fairy piece to the Great Fairy's Fountain, and then... well, the Ocarina, for one. My horse, and the Majora's Mask... whew... seems like it's far from over._

"Link"' Tatl said, interrupting his train of thought, "These kids want to tell us something, so listen!"

_Well, sorry for caring about our journey._

"So... um... scrub!" Jimmy said, "You completed our quest, and I was going to give you our prize but…"

"But...?" _I don't like the way this is headed. If all this time I've been chasing a 'congratulations', I'm impaling myself into a tree._

"We can't prize any other being but humans," Jimmy said, looking down.

"What exactly is this prize?" Tatl asked.

"Well, we'd make you a member of our group, the Bombers Secret Society of Justice, for one…"

_Oh, so THAT's what he meant by Bombers! Whew..._

"... And we'd give you a notebook, but... we already had a non-human member recently, and the results…"

"Huh? Results?" Link asked, intrigued.

"Did he fail in a mission or what?" Tatl prompted.

"'Fail'? The guy went totally batshit crazy! As soon as we let him into our secret hideout, he took a path and wrecked our base, our telescope... he then went to the top of Clock Town and made some crazy spell, which set the moon to fall within three days!"

"Is... that... well... um…" Link stuttered, trying to make sense of it all. He then looked up at the moon. _Is that why the moon has a face now? And not any kind of face... it looks like Saria when I found her diary._

"But lookie, I won't leave you with your bare hands. Here's our secret code for the secret base!"

"Code?" Tatl asked.

Just then, the Bombers started to run around. Then, they stopped in a row, back facing our heroes in a special order. The number was '54123'.

"Here," Jimmy said, "Write it down and remember to say it to our guard."

"Those guys sure are organized for a bunch of kids," Tatl said.

"Yeah, I'm kinda scared myself…"

"Well, we gotta go now. Thanks for the fun!"

"You're welcome, brat," Tatl said, joking around.

"Watch it! And, umm... the Bombers' Secret Society Of Justice Forever!"

"Errrr, the what now?" Link asked, looking puzzled.

"Nevermind," Jimmy said before going back to his blowpipe.

 

Link and Tatl then stopped and started brainstorming. The afternoon was over, and the sky was already dark. The wind blew in the direction of the Great Fairy's cave, reminding Tatl of something...

"Hey! Listen!"

"Wha-huh?!" _Navi?! Oh. It's you._

"We don't have time for this! We gotta deliver the fairy piece, pronto!"

"Yes, Your Honor…"

"Quit it and move!"

"DON'T RUSH ME!"

The duo then made to the cave, close to the end of a crazy first day.

 

**Day 1, Night, Great Fairy's Shrine**

 

After what had been a crazy but fruitful day, Link and Tatl were indeed tired. The Great Fairy's Shrine, however, seemed to have some effect against the fatigue, its mystical aura more and more mysterious along the cave's depths. As they approached the fountain, Link's hat suddenly started to bulge...

"Let me out this instant!" The voice under the hat said.

"Huh? Who's that?" Link said, looking up.

"The fairy piece! Remember?!"

"Whoa! Err, umm, sorry!" _I totally forgot she was inside my hat!_

"You let me go now, young Deku!"

"Ok, ok, ok, I'm sorry! Go!" _Yeesh, what a drama queen! My hat's pretty clean!_

The fairy got out of the depths of Link's well-cleansed hat and started to mingle with the other fairy pieces. Suddenly, they started to gather and shine, disappearing into the water and coming back in the form of a flash of light and, after a while...

"Wow…" Link said, amazed.

"It's…" Tatl voiced, as amazed as Link was.

"A very nice-looking lady…"

"Hey!" Tatl shouted, before striking Link, "Don't talk like that about the... Great... Fairy…"

 

The form that appeared before them was indeed 'nice-looking'; a huge woman, clad in short, yet mystical clothes and showing around a good portion of a pinkish-red hair stood before them, smiling, her mouth-mole dancing according to the facial expressions.

"Well, well... so you are the one who brought me back to my original form, hmm?" The Great Fairy asked, looking directly into Link's empty eye sockets.

"Ahh... w-well I... err... u-umm…"

"O Great Fairy, forgive my partner, for he does not know what he talks about," Navi said, hovering around Link.

_She's not god!_

"Yeah, well I actually--" Link started, before being cut off by "the Great One".

"Yes, I know, I was there inside your hat! I was just fooling around, young one."

"Ah... Is that so? Heh heh…" _How can one small annoying thingy turn into such an influent being?_

"Well, I will now present you with the ability to shoot bubb-"

"I, uhh... you already taught me how to, or at least, pieces of you did…"

"But this is against the rules! I didn't have enough power to do it!"

"Well," Tatl said, "Money makes the world turn, yeah?"

_Screw the rules, I have money! Phew. Got it out of my system._

"Well, I guess there's nothing for me to do but pray for your success. Find that Skull Kid who broke me and make him pay!"

"You bet, lady!" Link said, less nervous.

A flash of determination hit Link's eyes. Could it be? He was actually... having... fun?

_Well... no choice then..._

"Let's go, Tatl! Last one to the Bombers' Hideout will marry a Goron and get a humping from it!"

"WAAH!" Tatl shouted, floating as fast as she could to catch up with Link.

 

**Day 1, Evening, Clock Town - East**

 

Going through the North-East gate, Link and Tatl found themselves in front of an alley guarded by a kid wearing yellow clothes, which shone brightly against the dark night that slowly engulfed the peaceful town.

"Excuse me, coming through…"

"Hey! Hey! Stop, mister!" The kid shouted, stopping Link, "You can't pass. This is the Bombers' Hideout!"

_I wouldn't go around shouting this kind of phrase... people might take it the wrong way..._

"What's wrong?" Tatl said, slightly annoyed.

"You gotta say the code to enter!"

"Um... Sesame?"

"Nope."

"Sparta?"

"No."

"Wait!" Link said, before reading a piece of paper aloud, "54123!"

"Hey, that's it! Are you a Bomber?"

"Sort of."

"Well, anyway, come inside. Beware of the Skulltulas!"

"Skulltulas?" Tatl froze, remembering. The Skulltulas were creatures that inhabited Hyrule. They came about in all kind of sizes, to the small, fast and nimble, wall-crawling Skullwalltula to the generic, big and scary Skulltula. Those wicked creatures had, to make matters worse, their whole front shielded. They shared the same obvious weakness, though: their backs were not covered. Sneak up to it from behind, and BAM! The monster was gone. But nevertheless, Tatl still held a strong phobia...

"WE'RE NOT GOING INSIDE TODAY I'M SORRY HEHEHEHEHEHE SORRY REALLY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I KINDA HAVE A PLACE TO GO HIHIHIHIHI"

"What are you--" Link tried to ask before being dragged away - by a fairy.

"DON'T ASK! WE GONE!"

"Hey, hey. Let go of me!" Link yelled, then proceeded to perform a spin attack and free himself of the fairy's 'grasp'. "You can sort out your phobias later. We got a hideout to explore!"

"But I... oh, what the hey. Let's just go, then."

 

**Day 1, Evening, Bombers' Hideout**

 

The place looked like a hideout alright; gray, shady brick walls surrounded the place, except for the floor, which was lacking; most of the 'ground' was actually a water reservoir, exposing the former nature of the Hideout: a sewer. Link, using his water hops wisely, managed to cross the deep parts of water, and, eventually, him and Tatl reached a large corridor divided in two 'lanes', a watery, yet shallow one and a brick one, just like the walls.

_Well, this water smells kinda funny. I don't want to get too soaked on it. Let's just take the brick path for n--_ "YEEEEEAAARRGH!"

Link yelled, along with Tatl, as he was struck from a Skulltula from above; the creature was hanging from what looked like a net cable, like those from Spider-Man, and growled menacing while Link got slowly up from the ground.

"L-Li-Liiiink... Let's g-get outta here... PLEASE!" Tatl pleaded, but to no avail. The wooden hero just stood there, staring at the Skulltula. "LINK! I'M TALKING TO YOU! LINK! HEY! LISTEN! HEEEEY!"

"Cut the FUCKING crap," Link hissed, "And wait."

"What are you going to do? Stare at it until it sleeps?"

"No. Just wait two more seconds…"

 

_NOW!_

 

The spider, then, for some reason, growled and turned around, baring its back to Link. He didn't second-guess himself; the bubble that came out of his nose hit the Skulltula's back, and he just watched as the aracno-beast crashed to the ground.

"... The hell was that?" Tatl managed to say, absolutely suprised by Link's moment of badassery.

"Former experience. Those bitches used to appear all the time back in Hyrule."

"W-well I know that, but I just didn't…"

"Well, whatever. Let's move on." _Man, now I know why she bosses me around so much. It sure feels good when you're the one who call the shots._

 

After the corridor, they were led into a small room with some vases and a ladder, which could be easily climbed if there wasn't a Skull Kid balloon floating right at the middle of it.

"Look," Link pointed out, "A ladder!"

"Are you sure it isn't a step-ladder?"

"... Um, it's a ladder."

"Oh, you're right. Sorry, I kinda spaced out there."

_Why does that dialogue feel overused and familiar?_   "Well, anyway, let's just blast this here…"

"Are you comfortable with blatsing everything like that? It's not your property, you know."

"Yo," Link glared at Tatl, "I've broken into god knows how many houses in my time, breaking boxes and vases and stealing money and Cuccoos, I've been killing all kinds of creatures outside of any legal hunting area, I have also been wandering around a land that's not even my home without any kind of passport, and I have yet to see a single panel of the floor of a fucking courtroom. You really want to cry 'laws' here?" _Wow. I hope this badass streak keeps running..._

"I'll just wait over here then…" Tatl said, somewhat offended.

Nevertheless, Link burst the balloon, and the two climbed the ladder, curious as to where they would wind up next.


	5. Strange People

 

 

 **Disclaimer** : Right now I own a headache. A nasty one.

 

 

**Day 1, Night, Bombers' Hideout**

 

 

Unnoticed by our heroes, currently inside the Bombers' Hideout, the evening matured into a full-moon (quite) night, announcing that the time for Day 1 was creeping towards an end. However, their quest still forced them to move on, whatever the time. Sleep could wait.

As the ladder ended, Link looked around and found himself in total contrast to what he'd seen so far. The room before him was very colorful, with stairs leading up and a scarecrow right in front of him - which proceeded to introduce himself.

"HAY DAHLING," The rather... eccentric straw figure shouted, gleefully, "WHO ARE YOU CUTIES?"

"Um... I-I, er…" Link stuttered.

"We're looking for a telescope," Tatl cut in for his partner, "Do you know anything about it?"

"TEHLESCOPE? MAH BOI!"

_She's a girl!_

"WOULDN'T YOU SWEETIES RATHER ENJOY ALL THIS COLOR?! IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL! IT LOOKS LIKE THE ROOM IS BLOOMING! OOOH, YES! BLOOMING! IT'S PREEEE-AAA-TTTYYYY!"

_If he starts singing, I'll--_

"OOOOOOOH I THINK I'LL SING! CARE TO JOIN ME, SWEETIE PIES?! ONE, TWO, THREE! IT'S RAINING M--"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP!" Link shouted, halting the scarecrow's emotional momentum.

"Aw, you're no fun, sweetie!" it answered, with a normal voice this time.

"I don't want fun," Tatl said flatly, "I want the telescope."

"Upstairs, dahling! Just follow these BEAUTIFUL STAIRS WITH SUCH INTENSE COLORS, OH, IT'S--"

"FUCK COLORS! Just go away!"

"Awwww, OK. But hey, wanna learn a s--"

"No!" Link shouted, exasperated. _Bet he was going to teach me how to play Stayin' Alive if I had my Ocarina._

 

Moving on, Link and Tatl climbed the stairway to the top of the Hideout - which was, looking out of the window that greeted them, actually at the ground level of Clock Town - and there, they found what they were looking for alright: a huge telescope, and an old man beside it.

"Who are you?"

"Doesn't matter. Telescope." Tatl said quickly, tired of explaining everything to everyone.

"Now I can't have any more kids messin' around with my telescope, ya know! The other day, I tell ya, them Bombers brought a strange kid, such an ill-mannered brat, I tell ya! And it almost broke them lens of my here baby, ya know! Why that reminds me of back in the day where kids actually had respect for their eld--"

"Can I get you a Viagra or something to make you shut up?" Link hissed, glaring at the elder.

"Nah. I'm good, I tell ya. You can have a darn look. Kid's probably up there in the Clock Tower."

_Skull Kid, huh? Let's look around..._

 

Aside from a Deku vendor flying around with some bags full of merchandise, Link wasn't finding anything in the huge, spreading field beyond the observatory. The hideout actually went undergrount outside Clock Town, so they were standing in foreign land; sure enough, Link could see the towering Clock Tower through the telescope lens.

"Well? Found him?" Tatl demanded, impatient.

"Wait, hang on." _Oooooh, lookie here. There's a Deku Baba looking around for something. And that is a... Bombchu? Well, something like that... and it's heading towards the Baba... hey! No! Don't eat it, stupid, it's a bomb-- OW, HAHAHAHAHA, HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE, DEKU BABA! HAHAHAHA, oh man, this is so much f--_

"FOUND HIM?!"

"Wah! Mercy! I'm sorry!" Link snapped out of it and accidentally pushed a button, which activated the scope's zoom feature. "Hey... I think I saw him! There! At the top! Tatl, zoom in some more!"

Skull Kid was there alright, dancing around. He seemed to notice the lens pointed at him, because he started to taunt Link. Then, he looked up, as did Link with the scope's lens. The moon's ugly face dropped what looked like to be a tear from its left eye.

_The moon's crying? Why is every single thing PMSing around here, man? Seriously, hormones these d-- WHAT THE?!_

The tear, which was more like a meteorite, crashed onto the ground just outside the observatory, making a huge noise and shaking the ground. When Link got up, he quickly pointed the lens at the Skull Kid once more, only to see him shake his… behind… at him and disappear.

_THAT SON OF A B--! Who does he think he is to wave his ass around like that? Kim Kardashian?!_

"What's he doing, Link?" Tatl asked, concerned with Link's angry face.

"Nevermind," he answered, "Kid's already gone."

"Well let's see what happened outside then! Move on, jackass!"

"…" Link stood there, looking at Tatl, still looking bitter.

"... What?"

_... Somehow I knew she was going to go back to bossy mode._

 

**Day 1, Night, Termina Field**

 

A starry night greeted our heroes as they stepped outside the observatory into what seemed to be some sort of courtyard. From there, all the fences still made Termina Field, the mainland of Termina, visible in all its beauty.

"Well, what do we have here?" Tatl said nonchalantly, while floating around what seemed to be a shining stone.

"What DO we have? It's... a teardrop?"

"Well, it _is_ shaped like one... it sure is shining!"

"Shining... why does that ring a bell?" _Hold on. Hmm... it has to do with shining things... I'm looking for something... something... well, something..._

"... What's wrong, Link?"

"Something... we're looking for something…"

"... SHINY." They said in unison as Link tucked the jewel under his vest.

"Well," Link sighed, relieved, "That's one more for the score."

"What's next?"

"Well, we're more than done with the Bombers, we reassembled the Great Fairy, found the shiny jewel for the Deku weirdo... I guess all we have to do is find and screw the Skull Kid."

"But where is he? I thought he had disappeared!"

"Not quite," Link said, now looking at the Clock Tower, far away, "I caught a glimpse of him going inside the Clock Tower from the ceiling. He must be at the top."

"Well…" Tatl muttered, floating around him.

"Let's call it quits for today, Tatl. We can sort this out tomorrow, it will still be the second day and the kid's going nowhere."

"Link…" Tatl, again, muttered, startled by Link's "badass-jackass" personality swings.

"Come on. We gotta sleep." Link said, going inside to negotiate a stay in the observatory with the old man.

_... Also, I gotta jack off. It's been hours!_

 

**Day 2, Morning, Bombers' Hideout - Observatory**

 

As soon as he heard the cry of a Cuckoo, Link got out of the makeshift bed he had laid out on the floor and went outside. Morning greeted him with a fair weather, the sounds of nature announcing the beggining of a new day. As he stood daydreaming, however, the wind blew, as if warning that the picture could change.

"Morning," Tatl said, lazily getting out of Link's hat.

_I wonder how it's like to sleep inside of a hat that has not seen a single laundry for more than a year._ "Hey there," Link answered, "You up for today?"

"I think so. What's the plan?"

"First of all we should bring that stone to the Deku." _And if he refuses, I'm going to show him how 'shiny' my bubbles can be._

"Guess you're right. Well, what are you waiting for? Move it!"

"DON'T RUSH-- oh, why do I even bother…"

 

**Day 2, Morning, Clock Town - South**

 

As soon as they were making their way to the Deku Flower situated near the Clock Tower entrance, Link felt something touch his wooden forehead. Intrigued, he looked up at the sky and did not like what he had just seen.

"Rain! Damn it! How can this be?"

"Well, there WERE some clouds on the sky…"

"But it was such a beautiful sky! How dare those damn clouds ruin it!"

"Well, don't be a bitch about it. You're not the only one that's going to get wet."

"What do you mean?"

"Over there," Tatl said, floating towards a man dressed in quite... interesting clothes; a red hat, a plain white tunic and sandals, along with a red bag. He looked pretty distraught by the rain, but, nevertheless, he made his way, weirdly marching, towards a mailbox near the Laundry Pool.

_The fuck is that? A Roman firefighter?_

Link then made his way towards the man to ask him some questions.

"Excuse me, sir?"

"YAH"

"WHOA!" Link shouted, flinching at the man's cry, "What's wrong?"

"YAH"

"Listen, can I as--"

"YAH'

_What, is that your mating call or something?!_

"Link," Tatl said, "I think that's about enough info from this guy."

"Yeah... such brilliant poniters he's giving." _The people I find here sure make me feel like I'm in an "alternate dimension", alright._

 

When Link and Tatl approached the Deku Flower, they did not need to wait any longer; the Deku's head popped out of the hole, his gaze set at his fellow Deku companion.

"Yo," the Deku said, "Youse need sumtin'?"

"Actually--" Tatl started, only to be silenced again by voices coming from within the flower.

"Wait a sec, there. Be back in a jiffy."

"... Oddball." Link said, puzzled.

"Yeah, I wonder what's up with him," Tatl answered.

"He just left without even telling what w--"

"SHUT YER TRAP, WOMAN!" The two could hear the hobo's yelling from the insides of the flower. "AIN'T NONE O' YA BUSINESS! GO BACK TO MAKIN' DAT DAMN PANCAKE! WHAT?! WHADDYA SAY?! AIN'T NO BUSTY BLONDE WOMAN AT DE DOOR! DA FUCK IS YER PROBLEM?!"

_Well, I'm blonde, just not... busty. I hope._

"Why are you squeezing your chest?" Tatl said, staring at a surprised Link.

"Nothing!" _Gah! I should be more careful!_

"Hey, now you tell m--"

Tatl, however, was interrupted by the Deku, back from inside, now full-body out.

"Can you people let me finish a goddamn sentence?!" Tatl shouted, glowering at the Dekus.

"Sorry bro," the hobo said to Link, not even acknowledging the fairy's presence, "Just solving sumkinda pipe problem down dere."

_Don't call me "bro", you misogynistic scumbag._ "Do you keep a house inside that flower?"

"Sure do. Dis ain't no ordinary flower like dose you're used to seein' 'round here. Dis here is a YELLOW FLOWA. Deeper 'n a throat."

"What? 'Deeper than a throat'? How does that work?" Tatl cut in.

_Don't explain don't explain don't explain don't explain_

"... And since it deep, it means ya can fly higher. Wanna give it a spin, yo?"

"Well, I don't mind…"

"Then you need DA LAND DEED."

"Oh yeah." _He did it on purpose!_

"Gotta give me shine, boy. Where's them grillz?"

"Here it is," Link said, showing the Moon's Tear to the Deku.

"OOOOOOH BOY! DAT'S SOME SHINE! I LIKE DAT! HERE'S DA DEED!"

"Glad you like it." Link said, while tucking away the land deed to the flower. The Deku burrowed back underground, and then Link could hear some scuffle deep down.

"I'M GONNA BLIND YA, WOMAN!"

_Wait, that's why he wanted a shiny object?! I hope I'm not tried as his accomplice if he does it!_ "Tatl?"

"Yes?" She answered, and Link pointed to the guard silently. Immediately, Tatl caught his message and went to inform the guards that a domestic violence incident was to occur.

Suddenly, a female Deku figure popped out, flying away and hanging at her Deku flowers for dear life while her loving husband gave chase, eventually catching up to her outside Clock Town. The guard called for reinforcements, which chased after both of them.

"Let's go, Link. I don't want to see how this ends…"

"Me neither. Just give me a sec here…" Link said, while preparing to launch.

 

As he spun around and went down inside the yellow flower, Tatl overheard two of the workers - who were helping with the building across the Clock Tower - talking to each other. Getting closer, she heard the men say:

"Listen, I don't give a damn. You can say whatever you like, but there's no way you can be right."

"Why not? You know I'm always right!"

"Do you think this is some trifling matter? This is serious! You can't go around claiming this kind of stuff! We're talking about a delicate subject here! People get killed for this!"

"But that's why I'm claiming it! What's the problem?"

"What do YOU think the problem is?! Keep your voice down so that no one hears you!"

Tatl wondered what sort of things they could be discussing with such seriousness and gusto. Maybe they were up to no good? She was going to ask them a couple of questions. Running through her wits to find the right ones, she made her way towards the two men...

"I think a change was already natural, the process was just sped up."

"Look, man, this is the last time I'll say it: Phil Jackson needs to GO!"

"Name three better managers to replace him!"

... Tatl stood there, looking dumbstruck. She listened to some more of their banter and even got some good info about the town, some of which she already knew. But when she was trying to make sense of it all, a noise startled her: the rustling of leaves, and then...

 

"-aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"

"LINK?" Tatl yelled to Link, who was floating waaaaay above her.

_I didn't think it would go THIS high! That's higher than that time I drank Blue Potion and had a mushroom! Seriously, I wanna get down! There!_

Tatl gave meaning to the phrase Rolling On The Floor Laughing while Link landed on a platform just above the main entrance of the Clock Tower. In front of him, he saw a door.

"Hey, yellow clown," he shouted towards Tatl, "The hell's this?"

"T-that's…" Tatl said, trying to regain her composure, "… the door to the top floor of the Clock Tower."

"Ah! Is that where the Skull Kid is?"

"Yes it is."

"THEN LET'S GET IN! Wait... how do you open it?"

"Oh, I forg--"

"Ah! I remember! The A Button, right? Now where is that little blue son of a…"

"STOP IT! LINK, I'M SERIOUS, STOP!" Tatl panicked, then relaxed when she got Link's attention, "I overheard the workers down here saying that the door only opens at midnight on the day of the Carnival of Time."

"Carnival of... Time?" _A bunch of clocks and watches parading together?_

"Yeah. It's kind of a long story."

"... And you're not gonna tell me?"

"No."

_Well aren't we blunt._ "So, when is it?"

"I heard it's the third day, since in Termina the days only start at six o' clock in the morning…"

_That style should be adopted worldwide. Period._ "Well we have to wait some more then, right?"

"Yeah."

"Hmmm... What should we do then?"

"Maybe we should visit Stock Pot Inn." Tatl said, her whole form shining more strong.

"... I won't sustain this addiction of yours." Link said, turning his back and making his way to East Clock Town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, writer's block hit me reeeeeeeeeeeeally hard this time. Sorry if this chapter looks a little rushed, I've busted my brains writing it but sometimes you just hit the ol' wall.


	6. Don't Forget to Eat Lunch

 

 

 **Disclaimer:** Do I even have to do this? I'm running out of jokes

 

 

**Day 2, Afternoon, Stock Pot Inn**

 

The clocks marked the beginning of the afternoon, their strange pointers indicating that it was already 12:00 PM. As our heroes entered the Stock Pot Inn, they took in the lobby's appearance. The place was reasonably small, for a two-story building. The lobby was as simple as it could be, with a front desk – and the clerk, tiredly staring at Link and Tatl, as if warning them that they shouldn't even bother – to the left and a waiting couch to the right, a few (and very creepy) tribal masks hanging on the wall above. Straight ahead from the door, a corridor that split in two, one leading to the back hallway – nothing more than the kitchen, a couple of non-guest rooms and a bathroom – and another leading to the staircase for the second floor, where the "vast" array of three rooms was located; one of them being the employees' room.

Link headed to the front desk, ignoring the clerk's bored-as-hell face. Tatl stood alongside him, floating around his hat.

"Excuse me, miss, I was hoping you could spare me a room?" Link asked politely.

"Yeah, like I have a goddamn choice…" she muttered, annoyed, reaching for the guest book.

_Jeez, so much for people skills._

"Do you have a reservation or something…?" Again, sounding exhausted, the clerk asked, not bothering to look at Link.

"No, actually, I just arriv—"

"Well sorry, no rooms then. Both rooms are filled."

"What? By who?"

"Are you kidding me…? I can't tell you that."

"Look," Tatl intervened, "We came from very far away, we just want a place to stay for the night, maybe you could spare a makeshift room or something, we can pay…"

"Christ, I told you, there are NO. ROOMS. AVAILABLE! Get the fuck away from here!" The clerk suddenly snapped, startling Link and Tatl.

 _What the hell was THAT for?!_ "Hey, hey, calm down! Jeez! Sorry for asking for service, you know!"

"Whatever, Link," Tatl bitterly said, "Let's just get out."

"Wait," the clerk interrupted, "Your name is… Link?"

"Yeah, why? You gonna snap at my name too?" _You bitch._

"Oh holy mother of… that Goron took me for a ride… son of a—"

"'That Goron'? Look, lady, what is going on?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Link, it appears I have made a small mistake." The clerk suddenly changed her demeanor, which wasn't ignored by our fearless hero.

_Aside from not going to a therapist yet?_

"You see, I had a reservation here for a Mr. Link, for the suite room, the 'Knife Chamber'. A Goron showed up claiming to be you and took the reservation."

"Oh." _Why would a Goron be here anyway? This stinks like last week's lunch. I should have a chat with this guy. But I never made a reservation in the first place…_

"Just a moment, I am going to sort this out. Please, make yourself at home…"

 

"Link, that lady is whacked out," Tatl stated.

"Oh yeah, she is. But hey," Link asked, "did you make a reservation here? Because I sure as hell didn't."

"No, I don't know about that either…"

The two of them stopped talking after hearing loud noises from the floor above. Link went to the stairs to check things out, only to be hit by a rolling Goron.

"DON'T YOU EVER SHOW YOUR FACE IN HERE AGAIN, YOU LOWLIFE SCUM, PIECE OF SHIT!" the clerk screamed, waving a broom around.

"I keep telling you!" the Goron stated, about to burst into tears, "my name is really Li—"

"DON'T START THIS AGAIN! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY INN!"

_Is the inn really yours, miss?_

"Oh all right then!" a tearful Goron uncurled from his ball state, picked his blue hat from the floor and dragged his feet out of the door, carrying a heavy backpack along.

 _God damn it! The guy really had a reservation here and I just had his ass kicked for no reason! I am a_ monster _! I have to help him!_

"Here you are, sir. This is your room key," the clerk politely said, handing Link the key to the Knife Chamber room.

"Look, actually, I—" Link started, only to be cut off by the clerk.

"No no no! Don't mention, it. I'm sorry you had to witness that and go through all that trouble. As a compliment from the house, I will put a Silver Rupee chest in your room shortly."

"I, um… thanks." _Yeah, you know what? Fuck Gorons. I still haven't forgotten Darunia beating me around all the time back home._

"My name is Anju. If you need anything, you give me a shout. Okay? Also, we have complimentary bottles, should your fairy need to rest."

"Why would I rest in a bottle, of all places?!" Tatl angrily said, while Link just whistled and cut in, "Well, shall we?"

"I will go ahead and prepare your room, Mr. Link. Feel free to have a look around the inn, if you wish," Anju said, taking her leave.

"Link, maybe we should check out the back hallway and see if there's something we can find to help us fight the Skull Kid."

"Um, here? In this inn?"

"Who knows, man! Just get on with it already!"

"DON'T R—"

"YES I WILL RUSH YOU! NOW GO!" Tatl shouted, dragging Link by his wooden nose.

_I guess Anju isn't the only lady around who needs to see a doc!_

 

Heading for the hallway, Link entered the first room he saw, right as he entered the hallway. Inside, an old lady sat in a rocking chair next to a fireplace.

"Oh, Tortus," the old lady said, "have you not eaten yet, child?"

"What?" Link asked, confused.

"Now now, Tortus. You should know that the Great Fairy does not give away candy to boys who do not eat!"

"Oh holy Goddess of Time…" Tatl stated in dismay, then asked, "Excuse me, are you senile?"

"Oh! Tortus, that is a very shiny dog you have with you there! Why, I'd never expect you to take to animals!"

_A dog?! This is beyond senile! This woman is crazy! Every woman in this inn is completely insane!_

"Very well, Tortus. Do you want me to tell you a story? I know you like them, so I brought two books with me today."

_Yeah, I'll take a rain check on that, I'm not much for stories myself._

"Story?" Tatl asked.

"Would you like me to read the Four Giants for you? Or the Carnival of Time?"

"Carnival…" Link started, "Yes! Please!"

"Oh, well, if you have to…" Tatl stated, bored, going into Link's hat.

The old lady picked up a book, opened it, and started as Link sat on the carpet, ears sharp.

"Once upon a time…"

_Yes! Yes! I'll finally make some headway into this whole thing! Maybe if I get to know this Carnival of Time, I'll figure out a way of… stopping… the Skull…_

 

…

 

**Day 2, Evening, Stock Pot Inn**

 

"Why, Tortus! Did you fall asleep?" the old lady said to a groggy Link, who, after a few seconds, jumped to his feet.

"Wha— wh— fu— hey!" _I fell asleep! Goddamn it! I can't believe this!_

"This is what happens to children who skip their lunch!"

"T-tell me the story again!" Link pledged, "I swear, this time I'll stay awake!"

"Very well, Tortus. Ahem- once upon a time…"

 

…

 

**Day 2, Night, Stock Pot Inn**

 

"Tortus, you fell asleep again! Maybe you should head to bed, hmmm? There's always tomorrow for more stories!"

"What the fuck?! This can't be real!" _Is this book laced with something? I was wide awake there!_

 

Link headed out of the room, defeated.

_Maybe I'll just go rest like she told me…_

"So, Sleeping Beauty," Tatl said, now out of his hat again, "what's the plan?"

"You're so funny", Link replied dryly, then said, "Maybe we should go back to our room and crash there, and tomorrow we'll fuck around a bit until the gate opens."

"Sounds like a plan," Tatl agreed, "Let's go to our Knife Chamber then."

"I just hope we're not taking a… stab in the dark here," Link so cleverly joked, receiving a bumping in the head from Tatl as his response.

The duo climbed the stairs, passed a door that led to the terrace (where one of the Bombers was hiding during the hide-and-seek game), then passed another door labeled "Employees Only", and then, on the middle of the corridor, they finally found the Knife Chamber.

As soon as they entered, they felt stabbed alright – even though they were staying for free, that room was just too much. The bed had an old blanket which was ripped in many places, and then there was a fireplace that lit up about half an inch in front of it, a dirty window and a cracked wall that let in all of the noise from the employees' room.

"Damn," Tatl could only manage to say.

"This is definitely the worst room I've ever had to sleep in, and I spent pretty much my life sleeping on a wooden log in a tree house", Link commented as well.

"At least the chest is there, as promised."

Link opened the chest, finding the aforementioned Silver Rupee inside. Rupees were the national Hyrule currency, and for Termina, apparently, as well. A silver one was worth 100 rupees, which is nothing to sneeze at.

"Ehh, well, let's get our asses in bed already," Link said.

"You mean you get your ass in bed and I get my pretty little backside inside your hat."

"Whatever floats your boat, Russian."

"What?"

"Sweet dreams!"

 

As nighttime finally crept in completely around Termina, our heroes fell into a deep slumber. As well-deserved as the rest was, the fact is that the giant, monster-faced moon above them did not sleep. And was quietly – but surely – on its way to touch all.

 

**Day 2, Midnight, Stock Pot Inn**

 

"… _did not get my item?"_

"… _of Healing…"_

 

_Huh?_

 

"… _back into your human…"_

 

_What is…_

 

"… _Ocean. Canyon…"_

"… _then try to stop it!"_

 

_Skull… Kid… ?_

 

"… _remember the Song of Time…"_

 

_Zelda!_

 

 

"WHAAAAA—" Link sharply got up from bed, sweating a bit. His two consecutive naps during the old lady's storytelling did his body no good, and flashes of people and loose phrases hindered his deep resting state.

 _Huh, I managed not to wake Tatl up. Better leave my hat in the porch. Still... what_  was _that?_

Getting up, he looked around and decided he wasn't in the mood for sleeping anymore. Opening the door to the hallway, he paused for a moment to think of something to do.

_Well, I'll swing by the restroom first, nature is calling. Then maybe I'll just wander around town, see if I catch any more interesting characters..._

As Link headed very quickly to said restroom and readied himself to... make use of the inn's facilities, our Hero of Time was suddenly surprised. From the depths of the toilet (which, really, was more of an indent in the center of a wooden platform), out came... _an entire arm_.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS"

"YEAAAAOOOW!" a voice shouted from inside the toilet, and then pledged, more timidly, "Pa-paper, please!"

"Jesus fucking Christ what are you?! Why is an arm talking to me?! Am I still stuck in that dream?!"

"PA-PAPERRRRRRR!" the "arm" shouted, startling Link again.

"GAH! SHIT! TAKE YOUR STUPID PAPER THEN!" Link panicked, throwing the land deed for the yellow flower at the toilet. After it fell deep within the entrails of the "system", the mysterious arm twisted around, the hand giving Link a thumbs up.

"YE-EY", the arm shouted, and then went down, never to surface again.

_My god… this is… fuck… I-I gotta get out of this place…_

Link left the bathroom and made his way out of the inn, through the set of stairs to his left and then through the gate from East to North Clock Town, still running away from the accursed establishment.

 

**Day 2, Midnight, Clock Town – North**

 

As he finally stopped spinning madly around, Link came to a halt when he almost bumped an individual standing by the slide. He had a very happy face and was fidgeting with his arms side to side, all smiles and such.

Almost too much smiles.

"Hey, what's hangin'?" Link asked the man.

"I'm not doing anything suspicious… really," the man answered back.

 _Huh, if you say so._ "So, have you heard of this Carniv—"

As Link was talking, the man just plainly ignored him and turned his head to the gate from Termina Field to the North, from where an elderly woman came, carrying a huge bag on her back. Then, he started to jog weirdly in a diagonal line. Link only watched, confused, but when he realized what the man was about to do…

… it was too late. The man "bumped" into the lady, leving her on the ground and taking her bag with him, running.

 

"Thief! Stop!" the lady shouted.

_Fuck, I gotta stop him or she'll cream me for letting him do that under my nose!_

The thief tried to run as fast as he could, but, obviously, the heavy bag slowed him down considerably. As such, Link readied himself and started charging his bubbles…

… but they missed. Once, twice, thrice.

_Oh god damn it! I can't go near the guy, what if he waves that thing at me? I'm too small! I have to hit this! Come oooonnnn…_

The thief was just at the gate to Termina Field when Link blew the last bubble. It flew, dancing around the air a bit before hitting the man in the face…

… and nothing happened. The man wiped his face and ran through an oblivious guard, a guard who let the thief go, but still kept intent on blocking Link's way.

"Move! Move! Let me pass! Did you not see the thief running past you?! Go after him yourself then!!"

"..."

"You fucking corrupt cops!" he screamed at the guard as he left through to the gate from North to South, not wanting to face the old lady.

_Damn, I let the thief go. That's… just… shit, man._

 

_... Sometimes I wish I could just… I don't know, go back in time..._

 

Link thought about going back to his room, but first, he went to the west side to wander a bit and lay off the bad vibes.

 

**Day 2, Past midnight, Clock Town – West**

 

As he got there, Link looked up at the starry sky greeting him… and the moon, scarily looming, almost hanging over their heads like a guillotine, ready to end their lives at a moment's notice, as inevitable as death itself. Yet, somehow, no one really seemed to care that much, save for him, Tatl and the mask salesman.

"PLEASE!" a voice rang, snapping Link out of his thoughts.

"WAH!" _Fuck's sake! Why is everyone out to scare me today?!_

"Please, make a deposit!" the voice came from a man… or woman? Link couldn't tell, but whatever it was, they were sitting on a ledge, viciously pounding their palms against their legs.

"A deposit?"

"Yes! If you do that, you can save money, and if you save enough, you get a prize!"

"A prize for deposits?"

"Yes!"

 _Alternate dimensions…_ "Well, why not, it's not like I can waste this Silver Rupee on booze around here. I'll do it."

"YES! Oh, yes, yes!" the figure screamed, opening his arms and lifting them upwards as if thanking the gods for the mentioned deposit, "Let me just mark you first…"

"Wha— hey! Hey! Get your hands off— " Link struggled, but the person only wanted to put some mysterious ink on his forehead, so they did it anyway.

_I hope this is not LSD!_

"Now I'll remember you when you swing by again for a deposit or withdrawal!"

"... Well okay then, take this," Link said, handing over the Silver Rupee, "And I'll see you, I guess."

"Thank you so much!"

"You're welcome." _Fucking nut._

As soon as he turned away from the bank, a sign caught his eye. It was the Bomb Shop sign, by the end of the stairs. Bored, he decided to swing by.

 

**Day 2, Past midnight, Bomb Shop**

 

The inside of the place was big, but pretty empty. No one was at the front desk, and another Goron in town was sleeping on the corner.

 _Well, this must be what they call a successful business around here… ah, c'mon, Link. It's the dead of the night. No one's buying bombs at 3AM unless they're either planning a terrorist attack, or super, super drunk_.

As soon as Link finished musing, a very weird-looking bald man, dressed like a punk rock band reject, came shuffling to the front desk to attend him. Link was going to say something, but…

... as soon as he started to form words, the old lady from the theft appeared behind the man, sobbing.

Link ran for dear life and, this time, he wasn't going to stick around. A couple of minutes later and he was already under his sheets at the Knife Chamber, cursing under his breath and trying not to wake his partner up.

 

_If only I wasn't a fucking Deku…!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, a bit more emotion in this chapter. I think we got enough jokes with the past 5 chapters, so let's develop 'em a bit too! Abridged doesn't necessarily mean gimmicky, you know? Let me know what you think, I like to switch styles somewhat.


	7. Daydream

 

 

**Disclaimer:** Laughing straight to the bank

 

 

**Day 3, Morning, Stock Pot Inn**

 

 

 

Sunshine greeted Link and Tatl through their room’s “first-class” window, announcing the beginning of a new day. The clock struck 6 o'clock perfectly, officially stating that Day 3 had begun.

The only thing that people seemed not to remember was that…

 

“AHHH! LINK! LINK! WAKE UP!” Tatl screamed, jumping out of Link’s hat and floating madly about.

“Huh… what…?” A groggy Link answered.

“IT’S THE FINAL DAY!”

“Huh… final… WAIT! YOU’RE RIGHT! I FORGOT ALL ABOUT IT!” _Goddamn it, you stupid dork! The salesman told you that you had three days to save Termina from total destruction!_

“We have to find a way to get into that tower and SOON!”

“You know,” Link pondered, then dashed for the door, “your bossy mode sometimes is really useful!"

“W-Wait!” Tatl followed suit.

Out on the hallway again, our heroes decided to ask around for a way to open the door. The people they still hadn’t talked to were few, but luckily, some were pretty close…

 

**Day 3, Morning, Guest Room**

 

Link and Tatl entered the only other room on the inn; and it was even more of a sham than the Knife Chamber. The room was spacious, sure, but that was it. No windows, a wooden floor with no carpet, a single small round table and two cheap-looking bunk beds. There, a girl wearing a dancer’s collant paced back and forth, pondering a lot. Sitting on a chair by the lone table, a bald man spun the lever on a music box that emanated a familiar sound…

_T-This is… the Song… of St—_

“LLLLLLLADADADADADAAAAA…”

“WAH!” Link snapped out of his thoughts by the “cry”.

“What can do for you?  
I see you helpless, don’t know what to do  
I wish I can help you in some way  
So please, ask away!” the music box man sang. 

_Oh brother._ “Um,” Link started, “Me and my partner here are looking for a way to get into the top of the Clock Tower…”

“The Clock Tower, you say?  
There is no easy way  
It only opens at midnight  
When the fireworks take flight!” 

“’Fireworks take flight?’” Tatl asked.

“When 12 P.M. strikes the clock  
The gate will unlock  
You see, it is meant to only open at all  
By the time we begin the Carnival!” 

“C-Carnival?!” Link asked, hollow wooden eyes wide, “Please! Tell me more!” _This is it! I’ll finally get some info on this goddamn Carnival of T—_

A creaking noise was heard, followed by a snap.

The lever broke and came off of the music box, luring its owner into total silence, staring blankly at the wall, only the sound of his rhythmical breathing being heard now.

 

“…”

“…”

“…”

 

_This has got to be a bad joke or something. Every fucking time I approach this topic, something happens and I end up unable to learn anything at all. Even Tatl won’t tell me about it. I’m not one for conspiracies, but…_

“He won’t say a word if his music box isn’t spinning,” the dancer girl told Tatl, who was already speaking with her.

“And you can help us in his place?” Tatl asked.

“No.” the girl replied, looking at the wall.

_That’s one more moody girl for the Temper-Temper Inn._ “… Not even a lead?” Link asked.

“Look,” the girl replied angrily, “I’m busy here. I have some dance steps to figure out by tomorrow.”

Link and Tatl looked at each other, no one wanting to ask the obvious question regarding the “tomorrow” bit of the girl’s statement, and left the room sulking.

 

“Is there really no one aware of the moon growing above them other than me, you, the Skull Kid and that creep salesman?” Tatl pondered.

“That is one strong kind of denial if that’s true,” Link replied, “besides, the moon gets bigger and bigger with every passing hour. They can’t just be ignoring this!”

“Well, let’s try and find a way to get into that tower. Then we can sort out the mental issues of the people here.”

“I’d rather not, this town is full of ‘special cases’.”

 

**Day 3, Afternoon, Clock Town – East**

 

Out on the open again, our heroes were quickly taken by surprise.

A tremor shook the ground around them, loud earthquake noises startling them as everything vibrated like a hole was about to bust open below their feet… However, after a few seconds, the tremor subsided, luckily not harming them or the town itself.

“What in the name of god was that?!” Tatl screamed.

“I don’t know, it felt like an earthquake, but it went away so quickly…” Link answered, then trailed off, “… uhhh…”

“What?”

Link pointed up, and Tatl was knocked for a loop, figuratively… and almost literally.

The moon was certainly bigger than last time. The scary face it had was now even more recognizable, zoomed in, features in huge detail. The wide, creepy eyes, the open mouth with putrid, yellow teeth crunching together in an expression of utter rage and pain… as if…

_… The person who made this is reflecting their own feelings…_

“…Wow.” Tatl managed to say, in awe of the huge monstrosity above them, fear creeping in the back of her mind as she ran out of words to use.

“We are SO dead if we let this thing fall,” Link stated the obvious, “it will take the whole world with it and who knows w-what else…”

Still with a lot of questions floating on his mind, Link shrugged after finishing speaking and headed for the South, Tatl right behind him.

 

**Day 3, Afternoon, Clock Town – South**

 

As soon as the two went down the stairs and stepped foot into the south side of Clock Town for what felt like the billionth time, Tatl stopped in front of Link and floated slowly around.

“Link… don’t you feel something is different here?”

“Well, I haven’t been approached by any ‘interesting’ characters or heard any innuendos so far,” Link replied.

“I’m serious, dorkhead! Look around!”

_“Dorkhead”? Is that the best you can come up with?_ “Hmmmm… now that you mention it…” Link looked around, slowly piecing things together.

“Yeah…”

“… The town seems… emptier, I think. I can only see a couple of those carpenters that were here yesterday.”

“Maybe most of the townsfolk are seeking shelter?”

“From the moon? But weren’t they in complete denial?”

“Well, denial can only last so long, you know,” Tatl answered matter-of-factly, “besides, the guards here have been encouraging people to leave town.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look over there,” Tatl said, floating around a poster on a nearby wall.

“It says… ‘Looking for some _action_? Check out these babes on www.2girls1c--‘”

“THE BOTTOM ONE!”

“Oh, ok,” Link said, then crouched a bit to read the poster, “’ _We encourage you to flee and find refuge out of town_!’ What?”

“There’s more.”

“I know… it goes on to say that the moon will fall and such… But are they so dense to think that fleeing will prevent anything at all? They can’t be possibly telling people that the moon crash will only affect the town!”

“It’s signed by the Clock Town Defense Unit,” Tatl stated.

“How can a defense unit suck so badly at, well, defense?!”

“We ARE talking about the town where all sorts of bizarre things happen.”

“Huh. True.” _The town where arms come out of toilets…_

“Well Link, do we have any time left?”

“We’re close to evening,” Link replied, looking at the Clock Tower’s, well, clock, “maybe if we go exploring outside we can find some of the fleeing people and get them to talk to us?”

“Sounds good to me…” Tatl pensively replied, then continued. “But we’d better act quick. We can’t wait until midnight for the gate to open! We need as much time as we can to stop the Skull Kid, especially now that he’s powering up with that mask…”

“Yeah, well, let’s get going then,” Link answered, then moved towards the gate that linked South Clock Town to Termina Field. The guard stood still, looking up, not moving but displaying a look of mild terror and disbelief on having the moon, of all things, about to flatten his entire being into oblivion. However, as soon as he took notice of Link, there he was, just like the other guards; moving sideways to block his way.

“Are you kidding me?!” Link blurted out, not getting any reaction from the guard.

“Can you please get a move on?! We are trying to flee! Like you told us to in that poster!” Tatl angrily lied.

But the guard stood there, motionless. Not saying a word.

_I seriously hate those fuckheads._ “Alright Tatl. There’s only one way to sort this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I feel that the Carnival of Time is strongly linked to this. I have to learn about the story behind this event. And I’m going to find it even if I have to waste time until midnight!”

“Link…”

“If you don’t want to help me, fine, stay here and go find yourself a hole to crawl into,” Link hissed, starting to lose it, “but I am going to listen to some Carnival stuff right now!”

He, then, left, completely angry, leaving Tatl behind.

 

**Day 3, Evening, Stock Pot Inn**

 

As Link entered the Inn, something caught his attention; Anju wasn’t there. Instead, a fat lady with red hair and green overalls stood by the desk.

“Um, who are you?” Link asked.

“Who are _YOU_?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO ASK ME THIS?!” The lady snapped.

_Jeez! Not another one! I’m never staying in this inn again!_ “I’m sorry! I’m the person staying in the Knife Chamber, my name is Link! It’s just, I haven’t seen you around…”

“Well that’s because I’m usually not here, idiot!” she bellowed. “I’m Anju’s mother, and the owner of Stock Pot Inn!”

_I know now where Anju got her unique mood from..._ “I’m sorry.”

“Whatever. Whaddya want?”

“I was wondering where she was?”

“We are about to skip town. Going to the ranch. Moon’s falling.”

“Ranch?” _And why do you think you’re going to save your ass from the moon crash?_

“Romani Ranch, near the swamp.”

“Ah, that one.” _Don’t have the slightest clue._

“Anyways, Anju and my mother are about to leave too. If you have some business with her, make it quick.”

_Her mother… the old lady!!_ That’s it! “Thank you very much.”

“Whatever. Just be quick.”

 

Link dashed for the back room, where the old lady still sat on the same place she was the other day. As soon as she noticed him, she was already starting the same old dialogue:

“Oh, Tortus, are y—“

“Yes yes I am doing whatever you think I am doing and my name is absolutely Tortus whatever PLEASE CAN I LISTEN TO THAT STORY AGAIN ABOUT THE CARNIVAL OF TIME?!”

“Oh, sure, Tortus. But I can read it to you on our way to the United Kingdom.”

_First of all, you’re going to the ranch._ “No! Please! I have to listen to it now!”

“Well alright then, Tortus. Here we go…”

_This is it! Nothing’s gonna make me sleep now! I am awake, wide open eyes, like a night owl! Caffeine Central, right here!_

“A long time ago, the land of Termina…”

“.. Yes?!”

“… What was it again...”

“No, please, don’t forget it! Don’t trust your memory! Read it straight from the book!”

“Ok, Tortus. Calm down. You’re not going to get any candy from the Great Fairy if you misbehave!”

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry, really, go on.”

“Ok. Now then…”

 

…

 

**Day 3, Evening, Stock Pot Inn**

 

“…”

 

_No… this can’t…_

“NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Link screamed, but to no one, as the old lady had already left with her family.

_This is a conspiracy! I can’t believe this! Why is this happening to me?! I am the Hero of Time! I am not to be taken lightly! I have slain demons with my bare han—_

“Link?!” Tatl barged in.

“What?!” Link replied, annoyed.

“It’s midnight…”

“W-what…”

 

As Link searched for words to say, fireworks burst into the skies above, the noises throwing his train of thought completely off track.

“LET’S GO!!!!!” Tatl screamed, dashing to the door, Link following suit.

 

**Day 3, Midnight, Clock Town – South**

 

As Link and Tatl reached the south one more time, they could catch a glimpse of a carpenter, different from the others, older, with white hair and all – probably the leader – fleeing from the town with tears falling from his eyes.

They could barely comment on the scene, though. Another noise, coming from the tower, caught their attention.

 

The top portion of the tower rose a few meters, then fell down perpendicularly like a lever, halting to a stop when it found its reach. Now pointing forward, the “lever” seemed to activate something, because the closed door Link and Tatl were so worried about these past days opened. Behind it was another door. And another. And another. One by one, doors opened, a part of their top halves sticking out, forming a very cleverly hidden set of stairs.

“This must be it…” Link muttered.

“The stairway to the top…” Tatl followed suit, both at a loss for words.

“Okay, we have to get up there!”

“How?”

“What? Have you forgotten? I have the land deed for the yellow flower!”

“Oh yeah! Can I see it again please?” Tatl asked.

“Sure, h—“ Link stopped suddenly and pretended to be in a rush, “Now‘s not the time! Let’s go, I can show it later!”

“O-OK!” Tatl said, floating by Link as he dashed for the Deku Flower.

_I am NOT telling her what happened to that land deed…_

 

Link burrowed under the flower and launched himself upwards, this time, not even caring about the height or anything at all, adrenaline flowing through him. After all, it was midnight. They had only six measly hours – which seemed to pass by very quickly in Termina – to put a stop to world destruction.

A minute later, they were already in front of the newfound stairway. They exchanged looks and went up, not saying a word to each other, taking in the responsibility and seriousness of the moment.

_Skull Kid… your pranks end here!_

 

**Day 3, Final hours, Clock Tower – Top**

 

Link and Tatl reached the top, and, a moment later, the exit was already closed.

“Damn it!” Link whispered.

“T-That’s…” Tatl trailed off, and Link was about to say something, but when he looked up..

The top floor looked like a huge observatory of sorts. The flooring was weirdly colored, with strong hues flashing everywhere, contrasting with the grey composition of the floor itself. The walls, also not colored by nature, were hued variously, surrounding a huge glass panel that took about half the room, showing a direct view of the moon – now closer than ever.

And, hovering above, as small as Tatl herself…

… The Skull Kid… and Tael, the purple fairy.

“S-Sis!” Tael exclaimed.

“Tael!” Tatl replied excitedly.

“Swamp. Mountain. Ocean. Canyon. Hurry… the four who are there… bring them here…”

_Where have I heard that before?_

Before Link could voice his thoughts, the Skull Kid floated next to Tael… and punched the boy-fairy, pushing him backwards.

“Don’t speak out of line! Stupid fairy!!!” he snapped.

_Coward!_

“Noo!” Tatl screamed, “what are you doing to my brother?! Skull Kid, do you still think you’re our friend after that?!?!”

_What, you were still considering him a friend when he was PLANNING TO DESTROY THE WORLD?_

Skull Kid, however, didn’t seem fazed by Tatl’s venom-filled words. He stood calmly in the air, legs crossed, throwing Link’s Ocarina of Time up and down.

“…Well, whatever,” the Skull Kid finally said, “Even if they were to come now, they couldn’t handle me… hee hee.”

“What?!” Link replied.

“Just look above you…”

“T-The moon…” Tatl muttered, trembling.

“…If it’s something that can be stopped, then just try to stop it!” Skull Kid voiced strongly, and Link had a flash.

 

_T-These words… phrases… that dream!_

 

While Link was busy forming sentences coherently, the Skull Kid let out a loud banshee scream and unleashed a magic wave that shook the entire place…

…And the moon started falling faster than before.

Now with much less time, Link had to act fast.

_That dream wasn't for nothing… Zelda was in it… I just know she did something magical again… she’s trying to send me a message… I need that Ocarina back, and now!!!_

“Link, do something!” Tatl screamed, then screamed again when Link ran towards the Skull Kid. “Link, what are you doing?! LINK, GET BACK HERE!”

But Link didn’t listen. He looked up and saw the Skull Kid still all stretched out, letting out his magic, speeding up the moon…

 

… And let out a bullet bubble from his nose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we know how this thing goes, but let's just pretend this is a cliffhanger…


End file.
